Musings of an Amateur Diva

Sign this!

noreply@blogger.com (divabeq) — Sat, 24 Mar 2007 05:16:00 +0000

A little while back the mom blogs went through a bit of a tiff over a spot on the Today Show that grossly misrepresented the issue of mothers having a drink at playdates. Basically, the mothers would get together, their kids would play and everyone would eat lunch together. At these gatherings the mothers would have a glass of wine with lunch, say. So, Today does this segment on it, in which, amongst other tricks, they do this shot of a jungle gym with kids playing on it past a couple wine bottles looming large in the forefront. They did a real hatchet job. Then, they had a "discussion" afterward with Melissa from Suburban Bliss and railroaded her. It was pretty terrible, all in all. Just another excuse to attack mothers for no reason in particular. And it got the blogworld (or, at least those of us who are moms) up in arms for awhile. Well, apparently Momsrising.org has got together a petition, to end the mommy wars in the media.

The premise is that with mothers in our nation (and, indeed, the world) facing so many struggles on so many levels, why do we really need to make up reasons to become alarmist about what horrible, selfish, lazy bitches mothers all are? Why can't we focus the media on real issues that would really help mothers? Here is the petition. Please, everyone sign!

Apparently after the Today Show thing, enough bloggers made enough noise, and enough people reacted by taking the issue to NBC that the show took a second, more balanced look at the issue. So, there's maybe some hope?

Anyway, Alice Bradley writes about it much more elegantly than I do.

Here is Melissa's blog. She was brave enough to go on the Today Show in the first place.

Here is the Today Show segment.

And, really, it's not just this segment. It's all over the place in the media, blaming mothers for not being enough, or being too much. If you work, you're selfish and neglecting your kids. If you stay home, you're lazy and being a poor role model. If you work part time, you're not good enough on either front. There's just no real way to win.

I'm not sure the irony is intentional

noreply@blogger.com (divabeq) — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 21:39:00 +0000

From NPR today: "Flanked by veterans and their families, Bush accused the Democrats of political theater."

noreply@blogger.com (divabeq) — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 20:41:00 +0000

I was just reading through this post on Punkass Blog - okay, really, I read the comment thread more than the actual post, because the comment thread was really the bit that I found remarkable. I liked the post. I agreed with the post, but the comments really blew me away. Most of them not in the good way. In a "Oh my word, do people really think this way?!" way.
Here's a gem, for everyone to check out:

Guy #1: You really don’t see any inherent benefits accorded to you by this society simply by being a dude? Are you sure about that?
Guy #2: Yes. There is no Patriarchy

This guy is apparently not kidding. I'm not even halfway through the comments. It's a combination of depressing and hillarious that I am having trouble describing.

noreply@blogger.com (divabeq) — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 21:18:00 +0000

Maybe someone has thought of this stuff, but Homeschooling is such a sudden sensation (I know it's been around a long time, but has, in recent years, become much more widespread, to, I think, unprecedented levels) that I'm imagining there are a lot of cracks to fall through. Plus, my neighbor across the street recently switched over to homeschooling her son, and her flippancy about how easy the process is (Just having him fill out, essentially, worksheets provided by the company and reporting his scores to the company.) sets off a few alarms in my head.

I mean, the first and most obvious is who is really regulating what kind of education these kids are getting? It doesn't seem to me that there's a lot of real oversight involved in this, which means that there are going to be kids coming out of this undereducated when it's too late to effectively reverse the damage done. Now, I admit that it's my opinion that on average homeschooled kids get a better education than kids in public schools. They get personalized instruction by someone who really cares about them getting a good education, and can learn at their own pace, etc, etc.. but sometimes they're *not*, and who's looking out for those kids?

The second thing, slightly more worrisome in a more long term way is... do these kids get vaccinations? Kids have to have vaccinations to get into school, and a lot of them, frankly, wouldn't get vaccinations if they didn't have thie requirement. Vaccines are unpleasant, inconvenient and often expensive. I remember with my son's vaccines getting into Kindergarten, the pediatrician wouldn't give them unless he also had a full physical, which cost me 120 bucks. Ouch. But, we did it, because we *had to*. Now, I also believe these things should be provided free of charge, but even without the cost there are those who would not get vaccinated if they weren't compelled to do so. And the reasons these diseases are next to unheard of in this day and age is because most everyone has been immunized against them, so they can't take hold here. Without that shield, might we see outbreaks of, say, polio?

Here's my real concern, though... schools catch abuse. Often abused kids have only their teachers and officials at the schools they attend as adults they can trust outside of their families. Homeschooled kids have the potential of being incredibly socially isolated, and thus powerless if they have an abusive parent or parents. There are ways, as my brother (who intends to homeschool) points out, to be sure the kids get socialization with other kids their age - group classes, outdoor activities and the like. But there's no requirement to become involved in these sorts of things, so that homeschooling could be an excellent way to disguise dysfunctional or dangerous family situations.

Like I said, I haven't really researched it. These are just my thoughts, but it seems problematic, on the surface.

noreply@blogger.com (divabeq) — Sat, 07 May 2005 23:23:00 +0000

I've been feeling very creative, lately, which is a good sign, I think. I've thought about trying to do some writing that isn't roleplay related, just writing a story. It's something I didn't really have the patience for in the past, but I'm considering trying. Also, I should get some paint and get started on some of the furniture around here that I keep meaning to beautify.

Mostly, it just feels like something is inside of me and wants out. It's a craving for something I don't have words for, and I'm going to have to find a way to get it out, to fill it up, whatever metaphor you choose to go with.

I've finished the books I was reading. I was a little dissapointed with the last in the series, but I loved the way the author ended the series. One of the things that he would do that was both interesting and occasionally annoying, was to resolve things "off camera"... events would transpire where the current narrator was aware only of the outcome, or the effects of the action, so that you got what had happened, because you, as the reader, had been privvy to more information than the current narrator had. This was mostly an interesting way of moving the action along without getting bogged down with minute detail too often, and giving the reader different perspectives on different parts of the story, but once or twice I felt that Kim Stanley Robinson took it too far and would have too much happening away from the reader's ability to witness it. It was, occasionally, too pat. A character came back and had resolved some issue he or she had had, and one was given no insight as to how that had happened, or why or what might be going on with that character. As if the author was stumped as to how to fix something, and so says it was fixed and leaves it a mystery as to how.

But mostly he used this style to great effect, and it helped to keep the story from dragging, over all, and allowed it to be a tale with a wide range of characters, and go into some detail in each of their lives without getting too, too long. Sort of the anti-Robert Jordan, come to that.

So, I think that I'm going to start outlining a story, and see where it takes me. Listen to lots of inspiring music, read some books... really explore the depths of my creative process. I hope to have some really great updates here in the near future. I feel so much more stable in different areas now that hopefully it can express itself in the ability to express myself creatively again. I feel like it's been a long time. I feel... on the verge of something, somehow.

Oh my gosh!! The bug lady called me again! Just now! Those who read my blog when it was a livejournal might remember the post about the bug lady. She calls and thinks I'm "bug" and creeps me out with her sing-song voice. Last time it was "Where are you, bug?" And "Nancy, I swam through the water", and this time, she just opened with "Hi, bug!"... so, less like CIA code, but still kinda unnerving.

After I'd told her it was the wrong number, I sort of regretted it. I didn't even ask her what the hell she meant by the water thing, or who was bug... or even pretended to be bug to try to crawl into her psyche at all!

Life moving on.

noreply@blogger.com (divabeq) — Wed, 04 May 2005 20:42:00 +0000

Well, I started my new job this week. Michael has had some problems with a bully in school recently and is in a new class. My car is acting up, smells funny and getting warmer than usual. I got some extra money, recently. Things are going pretty well, in other words. I worry about Michael still, but am not sure what to do about it other than to support him and wait it out. I prefer when I can do something, of course, but I can't be there all the time, I'm not even usually there when things happen that set him off.

My job is going well. Today was my first day off. The girl training me wasn't going to be there, so there wasn't much for me to do, so the boss said to go ahead and stay home, which was nice. It's really great there, not a lot of heirarchy.. pretty much everyone does his or her own job, and Mark, the lab manager does a few extra organizational tasks, but leaves everyone to take care of their own stuff. It keeps the environment relaxed and easy going.

The car is going to wait until I get my first paycheck, but I'm not too worried about it. Soon, I will be looking to get a new car. If I can pull it off, a hybrid.

All in all, I'm happy and doing well. Really happy.

I miss Chris though! (Who is my online friend who hasn't been around to talk to lately.)

Oh, and take a look at this article. I was a part of that poll! They called me and asked me all those questions. I feel powerful.

URL ABCs

noreply@blogger.com (divabeq) — Thu, 28 Apr 2005 21:30:00 +0000

These are my URL ABCs:

A is for airamericaradio.com/ - Lefty politics on the web. yay.
B is for buggydoo.blogspot.com/ - One Good Thing
C is for chezmiscarriage.blogs.com/chezmiscarriage/ - I'm betting a lot of these will be blogs.
D is for dooce.com/ - Defective Yeti was second, I swear!
E is for echidneofthesnakes.blogspot.com/ - So smart. Another blog. How sad.
F is for finslippy.typepad.com/ - Finslippy
G is for google.com/firefox?client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official - My default homepage since I installed Firefox, natch
H is for homerentalads.com/cgi-bin/classifieds/classifieds.cgi - Looking for a house
I is for images.neopets.com/games/g35_v21.swf
J is for jadedragon.com/archives/tao_heal/wuwei.html
K is for kautzpropertymanagem8174964955.worldpages-ads.com/
L is for livejournal.com/users/divabeq/friends - My old friends list
M is for mapquest.com/
N is for neopets.com
O is for onion.com/
P is for pacificcoast.net/~wh/Index.html
Q is for queenofwands.net/
R is for rentlist.com/
S is for somethingpositive.net/ - Scary-Go-Round was second.
T is for tv.yahoo.com/
U is for universalway.org/ - I can't figure out if it's a joke or not.
Nothing
W is for warp1.net/
Nothing
Y is for yijing.co.uk/
Nothing

Yay for me, redux.

noreply@blogger.com (divabeq) — Wed, 27 Apr 2005 21:39:00 +0000

I got the job! Yay yay yay. Just exactly the job that set me to looking for jobs, even. Perfect hours, location, pay. The work might get a tad dry, but the people seem great and it's a small office, and a municipal position, so that I feel like the work environment will be easy going and relaxed. Once again, I will be working around engineers, though engineers of a different type than the ones I worked with in Las Cruces. Still, there's a certain personality that goes along with it, it seems like. It's funny how much they seem to resemble the group I worked for at Keytronic, in their habits and speech.

At any rate, I'm very excited to get started, to have money, to get out of the house more, to be validated for my efforts with a paycheck. There are any number of levels on which this news makes me happy. Not the least of which is that I really wanted this job and I got it. Which means I'm wanted.

Go me!

Yay for me!

noreply@blogger.com (divabeq) — Fri, 22 Apr 2005 22:57:00 +0000

I finally got a call back from the City of Arlington about one of the applications I put in there. It's probably been a month, but I guess that's how Municipal government stuff works. Slowly. It works slowly. So, hopefully I can dazzle the guy at the interview on Monday afternoon. I will make another post to let anyone who might still be reading here know how it went.

I had an interview last week, and getting called for it made my week. But, the guy I interviewed with... he just didn't have one of those personalities that I 'clicked' with. I didn't get a call back, and I'm sure that's why. We were both dealing with a lot of long awkward silences during the interview. This guy seems different, though. We were already chattering away on the phone when we made the appointment, and he laughed at all the appropriate times, which is a good sign. I have a somewhat peculiar sense of humor that not everyone gets, and someone getting my jokes is usually a good indicator that they are O.K.

So, wish me luck. This is absolutely the job I want, hours, location and pay is right on the money for what I'm hoping for... more than I was hoping for, really.

Oh Mein Gott!

noreply@blogger.com (divabeq) — Thu, 21 Apr 2005 17:11:00 +0000

I saw an image of the above in white on the middle of an otherwise completely blacked out front page of a German Newspaper. I think that just about covers it. When Bush was elected last fall, there were German's and other Europeans offering shelter to American liberals who wanted to run for the hills.

I just want to say any Catholics out there are welcome to come by my Unitarian church. I'll vouch for you.

An eventful weekend.

noreply@blogger.com (divabeq) — Mon, 18 Apr 2005 19:54:00 +0000

First off, I should not be allowed near the animal shelter without a chaperone. Not at all. I come so close, every time, to bringing home something new and little and fuzzy. They're so cute! And someone might put them to sleep if it don't take them home and hide them under my bed!

But, a tale leads up to this trip to the animal shelter. This weekend, on Friday, my friend Krista called to see if we'd like to come to her house for the weekend and have a garage sale. So, we decided to do that and I turned my house upside down and shook it until stuff I could sell fell out. She came over to get Michael and I, and Katy had plans with a friend until later, so Katy stayed with her friend. We loaded our bags and our garage sale stuff into her suburban and stopped by the grocery store and got chicken for dinner on the way to her place. That night we worked our butts off getting stuff out of her greenhouse and garage for the sale and then late, she went to get Katy.

When she went to get Katy, they stopped here at the house to pick up a few large items that hadn't fit into the truck when we were all in there. Katy helped her load up while I stayed home with Krista's kids, did some dishes and got everyone cleaned up and put into bed. When they got back, Krista and I drank some wine and watched soapnet and the three of us priced things for the sale in the morning. We stayed up way too late and good sleep was not much to be had that night. So many people in the same house. Krista and I, and her four kids and my two kids. And I can't really share a room with anyone because my snoring keeps people awake.

Yes, I snore like a buzzsaw.

So, we had the garage sale on Saturday and it was really slow. Unexpectedly, the baby stuff didn't sell very well, but we both sold a couple of our big ticket items and were happy with the way it went so that we decided not to re-open on Sunday. There was a lot of fun, and Krista's garage and greenhouse got cleaned out nicely, even if she didn't sell a lot of the stuff she was wanting to. We stopped at Walmart on the way back home on Sunday and bought groceries together then she dropped us off.

When we got home, though, the trouble started. Apparently, when Katy and Krista were loading things into Krista's suburban, Katy put one of the cats into the bedroom with the door closed, and forgot to let her out before they left. Mimi isn't very comfortable with being left alone for any length of time anyway, and was very wound up and crying when I let her out. She seems to have calmed down now, thank goodness. However, the real bad news was that the other cat, Pip, seems to have gotten out during that time. Pip is not exactly a survivor. She also doesn't like people. Very high strung. Very skittish. So, I don't know how well she'll be able to take care of herself outside, and I doubt anyone will casually run across her, as she'll be hiding, I imagine, pretty effectively.

In other words, I am not confident we'll see her again. I had told Krista and Katy both not to worry about Pip. Said she's afraid of the outside and won't try to get out. So, if anyone, it's my fault, but all in all, these things happen. It's just sad. Katy is pretty upset about it. We'll be okay, though. We'll figure it out.

So, today I went to the pound to see if pip had been taken up there, and she hadn't. I didn't much expect she would have been. I made some signs and ran a bunch of copies to post around the neighborhood. We shall see how it unfolds.

Meanwhile I fell in love with an adorable shetland sheepdog who was up there. I know! I shouldn't be allowed in public alone, some days!

And I've been reading, a little

noreply@blogger.com (divabeq) — Tue, 12 Apr 2005 18:26:00 +0000

I've begun a book called Red Mars on the recommendation of a friend who knows I enjoy reading tales thick with politics and philosophy.. and that I've been hoping to read more science fiction, a genre which I've largely abjured in the past.

So, there is a character in the story who reminds me so strongly of a friend of mine (He's under CPXB on the blogroll to the left) that it's uncanny! I have been telling him this, but the way the fellow talks, even the way he is described as looking is so spot-on, that I had to transcribe one of the conversations from the book as an example... knowing Chris comes across my blog from time to time, when I'm actually posting. So, here goes... the character in question is Arkady.

“Look, Arkady, this settlement is a scientific station. Your ideas are irrelevant to it. Maybe in fifty or a hundred years. But for now, it’s going to be like the stations in Antarctica.”

“That’s true,” Arkady said, “But, in fact, Antarctic stations are very political. Most of them were built so that the countries that built them would have a say in the revision of the Antarctic treaty. And now the stations are governed by laws set by that treaty, which was made by a very political process! So, you see, you cannot just stick your head in the sand crying, ‘I am a scientist! I am a scientist!’” He put a hand to his forehead, in the universal gesture mocking the prima donna. “No. When you say that, you are only saying, ‘I do not wish to think about complex systems!’ Which is not really worthy of true scientists, is it?”

“The Antarctic Is governed by a treaty because no one lives there except scientific stations,” Maya said, irritably. To have their final dinner , their last moment of freedom disturbed like this!

“True,” Arkady said. “But, think of the result. In Antarctica, no one can own land. No one country or organization can exploit the continent’s natural resources without the consent of every other country. No one can claim to own these resources, or take them and sell them to other people, so that some profit from them while others pay for their use. Don’t you see how radically different that is from the way the rest of the world is run? And this is the last area of Earth to be organized, to be given a set of laws. It represents what all governments working together feel, instinctively is fair, revealed on land free from all claims of sovereignty, or really from any history at all. It is, to say it plainly, Earth’s best attempt to create just property laws! Do you see? This is the way the entire world should be run, if only we could free it from the straightjacket of history!”

The argument goes on to him arguing that they should ignore the various countries' ownership of the stations sent down, and create a community that they control. To ignore the treaty that governs Mars, etc. He wins many arguments in the book, when he can get people to pay attention to him, and here he wins the argument when he points out that the laws that govern them prohibit them from altering the ecology of the planet, which prohibits the terraforming that their very existence relies upon. One fellow says that the changes Arkady is referring to will happen as an inevitability, anyway. That the change to Mars will cause an evolution in them, to which Arkady replies: "History is not evolution! It is a false analogy!" And how history is a matter of choices, Evolution is a matter of changes. He points out how much of our current social realities are governed, essentially, by a lot of backward thinking dead people. The conversation, essentially ends when someone calls what he is saying an "Ill conceived revolution" about how he won't discuss specifics, only cry against the current system and Arkady tells them he only spoke his mind, and if that makes them uncomfortable, then it is their business. That they don't like the implications of what he says, but they can't find the grounds to deny them.

That is so Chris. I'm not sure why I'm so astounded by the likeness, but I am. I also am really liking the book. The author is telling the story from the point of view of someone who opposes Arkady's ideas, but at the same time without creating a strong bias against either Arkady or his ideas. That it is told from outside the revolutionary makes the character edgy, unpredictable... the reader is constantly wondering what Arkady is going to do, and a distant sort of witness to the social dynamics his radical ideas create.

So, I'm only in the first of the book.. witness again how busy I've been lately, I usually chew through novels in a few days... but I recommend it. It has proved a good read. And most of it is told in a flashback after a powerful political stroke begins the story. I thought that the knowledge of what all this is ultimately coming to would color my reading of the narrative.. make it flat for me, but it absolutely has not. I'm savoring the depth of the characterizations and the limited third person that keeps the reader always wondering.. along with the main character.. what's going on behind the eyes of her fellows.

And Lo, then did she disappear for weeks

noreply@blogger.com (divabeq) — Mon, 11 Apr 2005 22:16:00 +0000

So, I've been looking for a job, and I planned a party for my birthday... you know what rocks? Throwing a party for yourself, that's what. People come over and give you presents and are happy to see you, and compliment your house. It's good. But, unfortunately, it can cut into your screwing around online time, particularly when paired with a thorough job search.

I've been doing some hardcore looking for a job lately. Sheesh. No really strong leads so far, but still working on it. Also, I keep thinking of things to write in my blog, and when I sit down to do so, nothing comes out. I'm sure everyone has been there at one time or another.

The anxiety is coming on again. Money problems feel as if they're going to drown me, but at the same time I know if I can get this job thing going then it'll fix my money problems long term. I have one big hurdle to get past, first, though. I have an old returned check I have to take care of before it comes back to haunt me and I can't get a job at all. It's a big one, too. Damn. Damnit damnit.

I'll get there soon enough, though. All a temporary problem, at best.

And nothing else has been keeping me busy. I swear.

This is Sister Hand Grenade of Moderation, signing off.

Wonder Woman

noreply@blogger.com (divabeq) — Sun, 27 Mar 2005 00:37:00 +0000

No, really, Wonder Woman. I wasn't coming up with a clever title this time. Joss Whedon (maker of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer) has been picked up, apparently, to do the new Wonder Woman movie. I think this is great. He did a good job at Buffy, and provided a strong and capable, yet still vulnerable and human female lead for years with that.

A good rundown on making a female superhero movie.

Growing obsession.

noreply@blogger.com (divabeq) — Wed, 23 Mar 2005 20:49:00 +0000

Someone needs to call me RIGHT NOW and offer me a job!

I've applied for three part time positions. Now that I've made the decision to do this, no matter what it takes, I want it to be over with. How's that for neurotic?

Milestones in teeth

noreply@blogger.com (divabeq) — Tue, 22 Mar 2005 01:31:00 +0000

Michael just lost his first tooth, and Katy's last babytooth is loose. Sort of a bit of irony, there.

Also, Michael has been testy at school lately and having problems. His teacher just called to talk to me about it. If anything, things around here are just getting better lately, so I'm not sure what to say to her. Katy thought that the boys in his class were picking on him. I didn't know what's going on.

However, there was a fear I was having, in relation to this. Katy was seven when she was diagnosed with childhood depression and was put on Zoloft for a year... that seemed to clear up her problem, thank goodness, and she's been fine ever since. At the time, I spoke to the psychiatrist and she said that children who exhibited signs of depression and were then treated tended not to grow up into depressed adults. A little jumpstart to their brain chemistry, I guess. Knowing that with the history of moodiness and alcoholism in my family, depression is likely in our blood, I found this reassuring.

Naturally, of course, this all started me worrying about Michael and a possible bout with depression. It often shows up in kids with fits and bouts of anger. He, however, did not have the same personality issues that pointed to possible depression with Katy. She'd had long, hard fits when she was a toddler, for instance, and tended to be solitary and quiet. Also, it's not the same thing. Michael is happy, sunny and generally active during the day now, he's just getting angry with people at school. Katy was forlorn day and night. She'd come home from school and lay in bed, often crying. This was when she was diagnosed. So, while I feared it might be the same problem, I had reasons to believe otherwise.

Then, just about five minutes ago, the lightning bolt struck. Duh! It's the perfect time of year for his allergies to be in full swing. The other day, we went from the house to the car and his eyes were instantly bloodshot and watering. He's not feeling well, I'm sure. It started about a month ago, just about the time the weather started warming up. Thank goodness. I was really starting to sweat that. I've started him on his allergy medication again and will endeavor to remember to give it to him every day and see if his behavior improves.

I will also cut back on his video game playing. I've been letting him do too much of that lately and I never think it's a very good idea.

Walking and talking

noreply@blogger.com (divabeq) — Mon, 21 Mar 2005 20:00:00 +0000

Taking the kids for a walk this afternoon. There is a video store and a dollar store within walking distance from our house and I'm planning on picking up spoons for the kitchen (we're down to two. We're always wanting for spoons) and I'm considering whether I should walk all the way up to the city building to turn in my resume for the job I'm hoping to get. On the one hand going up there with my kids might not be great, but on the other, it could be good for them to see a part of the process.

Looking for a job after not working for six years has brought up many uncomfortable feelings for me. For one thing, I fear for my kids. I fear for them if I work and they are where I don't have control over their environment. I don't really have anyone there to support me by keeping them for me... no one I trust to ask, anyway. This means Michael, at least, will wind up in daycare during the summer. The job is such that during the school year I won't need any daycare, but during the summer I should find someplace for Michael. For this summer, at any rate. Next year, when Katy is thirteen and Michael is a year older, I might feel okay about leaving him here with her, but I just don't think they're ready for that yet. In many ways, they aren't ready for that amount of independence. This summer staying home while I work (by herself without Michael) might be just the primer she needs to learn that.

I worry for them if I don't work, too, though. They ask, sometimes, about whether I'm going to work. The money stuff bothers them, but I think also the trips that society puts on people about this sort of thing affects them. I don't want them to think less of me for that. I know that I'm staying home for a reason, but I feel like the time is right now to go back. I think that I've had the effect on them that I wanted, by being here, always, for them. I think that I've had the time to heal myself and feel stronger and ready to go out into the world and stand up.

And, yo, the money won't be bad.

I think that having someplace to be every day will help keep me from being depressed. I think that the money will improve our lives... even if it'll be slim during the summer when I'm paying for daycare for Michael. Better clothes for school in the fall for the kids. A new dishwasher maybe. Maybe a vacation somewhere, at some point. Pay off some debts. Feel more secure, financially.

Someday if I get brave, I might save up and get another, less ugly car. Maybe I'll save the ugly car for Katy in a few years. I'm sure she'll be thrilled. If her dad doesn't buy her a Mercedes or something ridiculous like that.

He asked her, while she was there this week, if I'd gotten a job. That stung a little. I told her that it wasn't any of his business whether or not I was working, but I immediately felt bad for saying that to her. If I was stronger, I'd call him and tell him it's none of his business and how dare he drag her into his judgments of me.

Society really makes it hard on mothers. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you spend your time for them, then you're lazy and financially irresponsible. If you work, then you're selfish and quite possibly a bad mother. Not to mention the crushing cost of daycare, which has been much of the reason I haven't pursued a job before now. Before Katy got to this age, I would have had to give up any job I had during the summer, or else work just to pay for daycare.... if I wasn't actually sliding backward financially because of the cost of holding down a job (car stuff (I rarely ever drive anywhere, as it is, driving daily somewhere will raise my car costs, certainly) daycare, clothing, and whatever other incidental costs came up.... McDonalds for those nights I didn't feel like cooking after work, for instance.

But, now it's time. I heard someone say the other day that the more time she had, the less she seemed to get done, and that is me, all over. I need a schedule, and structure now. I think it'll help me in so many ways.

noreply@blogger.com (divabeq) — Sun, 20 Mar 2005 01:10:00 +0000

I always have things to write about on my blog here, but I rarely seem to write them. It's pure laziness, I suppose.

Last night, I talked to my best friend (since kindergarten) about our sex lives.. or rather, sex drives as I haven't a sex life to speak of these days. We talked about erotic literature and the rise in our sex drives as we get older. We talked about PORN. Oh my!

And she mentioned, in hushed tones, about someone she knew of being a submissive. No, she called it a "subordinate" which was sort of cute, and I realized something very shocking to me. I am a FREAK.

Which is to say I feel comfortable with myself as a sexual being, and have explored aspects of that over the years. It's all about being a survivor of sexual abuse, I think. I've spent many years dealing with that, and a lot of dealing with that is learning to separate sex and the whims of your libido and the reactions of your body from feelings of shame. As a result, I have those fun party moments where, when I'm talking to people about... oh.. my favorite subect, psychology, and among cures for depression, I say "regular sexual release" and everyone gets quiet and looks at me as if they've swallowed something unsavory.

Or, I almost say to my best friend over the phone "Yeah, I'm more of a switch, myself. Sometimes I like to top, sometimes I like to bottom." Or that I'm thinking of saving up the 89 dollars for the really nice vibrator at the sex toystore I linked her to.

K, sweety, we should talk.

So then I moved my blog...

noreply@blogger.com (divabeq) — Mon, 14 Mar 2005 23:04:00 +0000

The thing that my old blog was missing, besides me posting at all lately, was a list of links to blogs that I actually read. Love you, Livejournal, really, I do (no, I don't) but the only people you can link to on LJ are other LJ users, and there's really only one livejournal that I actually read, which I've linked to here, so all's well.

So, now to actually post regularly enough to stay interested in this bit.

What'll it be about? It'll be about my life, of course. It'll be about my kids (Oh lord, a parenting blog!). It will be about my opinions about the world and sundry. I'll try for that careful balance between being boring and uncomfortably too personal, though more often than not my blog in the past has tended to err toward the latter. Oops.

Mostly, I'll just try to update more often.

The Blind leading the Socially Awkward

noreply@blogger.com (divabeq) — Mon, 14 Mar 2005 21:24:00 +0000

I was thinking about high school today. I do this often, as my daughter will be in Junior High next year and I have to decide what Junior High to send her to and think about what high school that means she'll go to after that, and this leads to me thinking about her problems, socially, these days and how this stuff will affect her later in life. I know these things affect people into adulthood, and through their lives. I've heard this from people. Hell, I've seen it in people, sometimes... usually.. in very not-good ways.

I, myself, do not think much about high school. I didn't think much about it at the time it was happening, really. Or Junior High, for that matter. The years of Junior High are a blur for me of pain and discomfort with my own skin. I think about the things I was dealing with when I was my daughter's age. She's getting to the age that I can remember my life with fair clarity. I remember school through those years, and I remember there being friends, and there being people who tried to start petty drama with me and my friends and my brother, as kids that age are wont to do. But none of it defines my life at that time.

Home defines my life at that time. Riding in the car with my family, never talking, looking out the window and feeling outside myself. I hear songs from that time and what I think about is not school or friends, but times when I was alone among them, suicidal thoughts.. many, many eighties songs bring to mind memories of suicidal thoughts. "Relax, don't do it.." Sometimes I imagined that was just to me. Times at home, being punished for being off somehow from the rest of them. It's an awkwardness that has never quite washed off.

The crowds at school were a blur. Some of them were my friends, and I gleaned acceptance from them, and could relax around them. It was an act, though. I wasn't connected to anything, really, at that time. I was on full survival mode, and to be frank, nothing that happened at school could affect me. I was too well armored.

I tell my daughter to not worry about the stuff at school, that it's not important. But I know it is, for her. I'm glad that is the major source of stress in her life, in a way. I'm glad to be the soft place she comes to, to shield her against the ravages of the world. But I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to say. I'm fumbling my way blind through this, the same way she is. Shit. I don't have the answers! I tell her that when I was her age, I didn't care about how popular I was, and it's true, but I hardly take into account why. Sometimes I want to tell her to be happy she doesn't have bigger problems, but the truth is I am thankful she doesn't have bigger problems.